This, ladies and gentlemen, would be a shout out to one of the most patient, understanding, unselfish, caring, and loving person I know... my husband! I see that now and I want the world to know how truly blessed I am to have him. Even though I might be the last one to realize this. You see, I have all these insecurities and unrealistic expectations (like expecting him to read my mind and know what I need before I even ask for it it - he does sometimes though, but I expect him to all the time), I am stubborn and bossy and a certified nagger, which is how I earned the nicknames "Dragonesa" and "Prinsesa" that my family coined. I have this constant need to be reminded that I am wanted and appreciated and loved, to make up for my lack of confidence and self-esteem. And in my mind, I made up all these criteria that if not met, makes me even more insecure and think that I am undeserving of love and attention. We all made mistakes and we all have a past that makes us second guess ourselves and I guess that is where all these is coming from. But also makes me quite hard to deal with. And as if I wasn't a handful enough, all these pregnancy hormones made me even more needy and demanding and more emotional than ever. I am feeling all sorts of physical and emotional changes and I feel overwhelmed with everything that is happening. I thought, "Hey I am going through a lot here and I deserve more!" I expected him to be at my every beck and call. I expected him to rush to my side every time and attend to my every need without me asking him to do so. I wanted his undivided attention. But is asking for it the wrong way. I am blinded by all the negativity and the thought that my husband couldn't care less about how I am feeling so I push him away, pretending I don't need him. I belittle all his efforts only because I think he does things only when asked. I need this constant reassurance that he'd do everything to make and keep me happy that I forgot he has his needs too. I forgot that he too was overwhelmed with responsibilities and was starting to feel the pressure of being the head of the family. I was being selfish, I would realize. But that didn't stop me from having several emotional outbursts. We often find ourselves arguing and fighting and all these constant bickering made me pull away from him more. God knows I try to see how much he's trying to understand what I am going through but I still expected more. During times that I feel calm and collected (which is rare), I think things over and realize I don't want to welcome a new baby like this. I can also see how Roand is affected by everything that is happening and with everything he hears. I felt bad. I know we have to do some changes. I tried to be more patient and to push my own needs aside. But my hormones and all the difficulties of pregnancy always gets the best of me. I am in my third trimester and I am constantly tired and exhausted and the weight I gained is taking its toll on my back, considering I also have scoliosis which makes the pain even worse. I have trouble falling asleep at night because it's difficult to find a comfortable position and every time I try to change positions and switch to face the other side, I feel like my insides shift too and I feel breathless, like I'm drowning or something. Then I have to get up during the wee hours just to pee which makes it difficult for me to go back to sleep. I have these Braxton Hicks contractions that are more intense than I remember when I had Roand, and every time my belly tightens, my chest tightens too and I feel like I can't breathe. I also have to deal with intermittent headaches that makes me nauseous. All these would make me so irritable, and all I can think of is myself, and how I want to just curl up in bed and sleep or at least have some peace and quiet, or a massage. Or indulge on my comfort food. But I can't. I have things to do. I have a super hyper kid to take care of. And I can't just have the food I want to eat. Which makes me even more irritable than ever and my patience wears thin fast and is almost nonexistent. Which leads to more nagging and more arguments. There was only one thing left to do. Surrender everything to God. I fervently prayed for help to bring my family closer. To make us realize that we can depend on each other and that we are there for each other. That we love each other no matter what. I prayed for enlightenment that we may be able to listen and understand each other.
And I got my answer.
Monday, October 27th, 2014
Monday last week, I was pretty excited about getting stuff ready for the new baby. I know, it's a little too early, I was 33 weeks at the time, but hey like I said, I am super excited. Plus I was feeling a sudden surge of energy that after dropping Roand to school, I went ahead to organizing baby stuff. I guess nesting instinct was kicking in. I started emptying Roand's closet to make way for the baby's things. Then I began sorting and folding baby clothes. I was almost done when I remembered there was another bag of clothes behind the cabinet. So I took a stool and was on my toes trying to reach for the bag of clothes behind the cabinet. I was able to reach it and lift it up but it was al lot heavier than I thought it would be. I felt the strain on my back but that didn't stop me. I wanted to take out Roand's old baby clothes too which was kept inside a luggage which we stored all the way back inside my closet. To take it out, I have to take a lot of stuff out first. Finally, I can reach the luggage and I tried lifting it up but I felt the pain in my back so I opted to wait for the husband. When he cane home from work, he helped me organize stuff and we were half done when I couldn't bear the pain anymore so I had no choice but to go to bed.
Tuesday
The next morning, I had difficulty getting up but still managed to prepare things for Roand and help him get ready for school. When I dropped him off to school, getting down from the car was a challenge and walking proved to be difficult. I tried my best to ignore it and when I got home, I decided to make a costume for Roand that he'll use the next day. It was for his career presentation and he's going to be a reporter. I sat down in the bed and began sewing. I sat sewing for a long period of time and when I finally got up, the pain was worse. It was bad but tolerable, and I managed to get Roand from school. When we got home, I tried to finish the costume but the pain in my back was really getting worse. I knew I had to lie down. I only got out of bed to eat. The pain was really becoming worse. After eating, husband had to assist me to get up from the chair. Then I had to use to use the bathroom. Even sitting down was difficult at this point. After peeing, I tried to get up but couldn't. The pain was too much. Husband had to help me get up and move to the bed. I didn't get up since. Nor ate, or drank, or use the bathroom, even when I had to. I was beginning to worry so I called Kaiser Permanente and talked to the advice nurse and I was told to go to emergency in the morning. I messaged my cousin, who is a Physical Therapist, and told her about my condition and she taught me several stretches which I tried but couldn't because of the pain. I tried my best to do a few and followed her advise to change positions every hour.
Wednesday
The next morning, husband decided to call in and not go to work to take care of me and Roand too. We woke up early and this time I really need to empty my bladder. So I asked my husband to help me get up. The pain was intense and every step was worse than the first but we managed to reach the bathroom, which is just next to the bedroom, thank goodness. But then I felt this excruciating pain that shot down my spine and my back was just giving up, I felt like I was going to collapse, my legs were shaking, and I was trying to keep my balance but I just couldn't take the immense pain. Good thing my husband was there assisting me the whole time, almost carrying me. I started crying, begging my husband to help me even when he already is. My husband had to carry most of my weight back to the bedroom. Every step was torture. I don't even know how I survived that. After laying down, and calming down, I called Kaiser again and they told me to go to Labor and Delivery. But I told them I couldn't get up, that was the problem. How was I gonna go for a check up when I couldn't even sit up, or stand up, much less walk. I was begging for strong painkillers but of course they can't give me some unless I was seen by a doctor. We arranged for an ambulance but my husband was worried I'd be in more pain because of course I still have to get up, they have to transfer me to a stretcher etc... And it was going to take an hour drive. So I ended up choosing to stay and just follow what the nurse advised. 2 Tylenols every 6 hours and try cold compress to numb the pain. I was fine as long as I'm laying down. They asked if the baby was moving and I said yes, her kicks are strong and she's been moving a lot and so they assured me she's doing okay. They reminded me to eat and drink the soonest (I haven't had anything since the night before). So there I was, bedridden for the rest of the day. My husband had to bring me food and drink and help me change positions, help me stretch, help me brush my teeth, help me change clothes, basically do most of the work for me. Even doing the laundry. And on top of that, attend to Roand too. The other concern was that I should empty my bladder soon because there was a risk for an infection and I might go into preterm labor. I had no other choice but to wear adult diapers. My husband had to put it for me of course, and change it when it's soiled. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed because after all, he is my husband but still... And then the worst, the diapers leaked while I was peeing... I couldn't help but cry. I felt ashamed for some reason. "It's just pee, it's okay." He reassured. He kept saying that it's fine. And if I wanted to do number two, I should go ahead and that he has no qualms cleaning after me. At this point, I got very emotional. I am not sparing you the gory details this time, because I may be ashamed of what happened, but I am so proud of my husband that I have to tell the story as it is.
It was an embarrassing moment for me, but a very humbling one at the same time. I've never felt so vulnerable and helpless. There was nothing I could do but to put my complete trust and completely depend on someone. And that someone, is my husband. I see him in a different light, and that's when I knew my prayers have been answered.
I realized, here is a man, who may not do everything for me, but is prepared to do anything for me. And I mean ANY thing. He may answer to my every whim, but he gave me the thing I needed the most. The reassurance that he'll be there no matter what. That I can depend on him not to falter in times like this, to be my source of strength, but at the same time isn't ashamed to show vulnerability and admit weakness. He was reassuring me everything is going to be fine soon, that this will pass. But seeing me in pain is what he couldn't handle. He never showed it though most of the time. Then as I was laying down, calm and relaxed, he sat beside me and held my hand and leaned on to it. And I heard him sobbing. He said, he can't bear to see me in pain and most of the time he didn't know what he was doing. It was my turn to be strong. I told him, he was doing fine, and is actually doing more than I ever expected. I didn't know he could be this emotional too. And I fell in love once again.
Thursday
After a day's rest, the attempts to stretch, the Tylenols, Bengays, massages, and a lot of prayers, I was finally able to get up with my husband's help. Still in a lot of pain, but I definitely felt stronger. I was able to take a nice long hot shower, and able to walk around using the crutches that our friend lent us. I didn't even have to wear diapers anymore..It was a big improvement. And a huge sigh of relief. My husband was cheering me on and was happy to see me walking. The worst is over.
Friday
I was able to go to my appointment with an OB-GYNE at Kaiser and I was reassured the baby is doing okay. I was excited to go out after how many days of being cooped up at home, and after the ordeal that we went through that I insisted on going out and meeting up with Roand and Mommy and Daddy at Jollibee. Needless to say, I was really recovering. I was even able to attend a masquerade party the next day. :)
I would, of course, like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who contributed to my recovery, in hopes that they will read this. To Ate Mia, for being there to cater to my questions and for teaching me the stretches which I believed helped me a lot. To Melanie and her Aunt for lending us the crutches and for visiting me plus the sumptuous breakfast they brought. To Mommy and Daddy for fetching Roand from school and taking him trick or treating at Great Mall. To my brother for the concern and for reminding me to still go to my check up even when I was feeling better. To Nanay, for the "gentle" reminders that I should think twice when I'm being too hard on the mister and for making sure I realize how lucky and blessed I am to have him. And to Kuya Roand, for being cooperative, most of the time, and for praying for me and his baby ading. And of course, to my husband, for the patience and love, for the strength, and for the encouragements. I love you and I look forward to growing old with you.
And to our Almighty Father, for this humbling experience and for the enlightenment, for granting us the strength through this ordeal, for lending Thy healing hands to my husband, and for keeping our little one safe. Thank you for bringing my family together. Amen.
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